


I will defy you.

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, No Slash, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-02
Updated: 2006-03-02
Packaged: 2018-12-27 10:40:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12079422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Breathe in, a life is taken. Breathe in, new soul is cleansed.  This is a story on what would happen if Brian had his life stolen from Cancer. More of a Eulegy than anything. Sad, nonetheless.





	I will defy you.

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: So yes, a story on 'What if Brian died of Cancer..'  
Hopefully nobody freaks on me for thinking of such terrible things but.. really.. it's fiction.  
  
I feed off of reviews, I have two other stories on here with no reviews so, please..  


* * *

In a world of despair, our lives will end. Some without warning, and some by design. Yet we never think it will happen to us, because we're so unimportant, so small, so insignificant to this vast world around us. We never stop for long enough to appreciate what we have, incase this was to occur. We never expect the unexpected, even though we should. It's always too late, it's always under the jaded eyes of trained physicians when we realise, this time were not going to saved. Crimson regret, when we're sobbing and bleeding from every pore, completely lost, bewildered, lonely. It shouldn't be that way, we should be given the time to say our goodbyes, and see that last smile and feel that last touch and know that we weren't as alone as we first thought we were.

I know you all want me to be my usual self, and crack jokes, try to uplift people's spirits, their hearts completely crushed by this deeply premature loss. I suppose you all think he'd want me to speak about happy times, and about how we all need to pull together at this time of need. But I know him, and he knows me, and he knows I'm not quite the same person now he isn't here. I was with him, when they took him away from us, and desperately I tried to cling onto any last desire, hope, dream, will he had. I needed his spirit, but how can I keep hold of that when he's not here? I died the night he did, inside there's just sorrow and emptyness and I'm not quite sure what I can do, or say to fill that void for any of you. Because I know he was loved, I know you are all here today because you miss him and you can't quite picture the world without his beauty, his voice, his essence, his soul. I don't think I'll ever get over that, they say with time the pain will disappear. I may push it to the back of my mind, it may become a dull, numb ache rather than a stab wound, but it will always hurt. 

Because how can you forget something so perfect? 

Breathe in, a life is taken. Breathe out, a new soul is cleansed. I heard that in a song once and it makes so much sense to me now. One big cycle that we cannot avoid, we cannot change. We all have choices, we are all here for a purpose and we're not always here for as long as we think we will be, so I beg you. Don't stop. Don't turn around. Don't run. If you do this, if you don't live your life to the fullest, you will ultimately always regret this. Brian did, I know he did. Brian held so much back, I bet from every single one of us. We all have his secrets, and his tears, and his thoughts, but no more so than his closet friends in the world. And it's a heavy burden to carry, trust me I know, but he was sick of pretending. He was tired of the games, and the shadows, and the misjudgement. I only ask that now he's not here to defend himself, accept what he was. Because he was never going to change, no matter what all of you thought of us, I'm not about to disappear without a trace either. 

Brian touched millions of lives, and for that he'll always be remembered. He deserved so much happiness, and a life of his own, away from the lights and the sparkle. He, himself, was such a bright, spirited person who shared his love with so many people. He was never an easy man to share his feelings, but it was almost impossible not to love him. It's why there's so many vigils for him around the world, it's why Pittsburg is at a standstill today. We have countless images, videos, recordings to remember him by, and I only ask that you never forget him, and you pick them up from time to time. It's not much, but it's something at least.

In a world of despair, my life, your life, their lives will end. Some without warning, and some by design. All as tragic, and all as remorseful but it will happen nevertheless. Once we get to the gates of heaven, we're supposed to repent our sins, and beg for forgiveness. Then perhaps we'll be allowed to live forever, I suppose, as an angel if you choose to believe such a thing. I don't know what Brian will have said when it was his time, but I know this. I don't think I need forgiveness, because all of my sins ultimately led me to him and in that case, they can hardly be called sins at all, can they? The angels are the sinners in my eyes, because they took him away from us when he had so much left to give. But if they want my soul, they can take what's left of it. Perhaps that will ease the pain, perhaps they'll know the extent of what they've done. They need to know how much he meant to me, to his family, to his friends to everybody here today. So when it's your turn, and they ask you to repent, tell them you have nothing left to say. 

Rest in peace, Brian. We'll meet again, someday, I can only hope.


End file.
